I have to admit it to myself. This is something I deal with on an almost daily basis. I don’t know when or how it started, but I think its something I’ve felt for quite some time. While there are days that I’m happy, times when I’m proud of myself and things I’ve accomplished, most of the time, I perceive myself in a very negative way. I project this view onto other people. Most of the time, I tend to believe that my friends, the people who are close to me, have some sort of dislike for me. I feel like a nuisance to my friends, and some times, even my own family members. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I hate feeling this way. I see faults in my beliefs, the things I think and feel. I feel like I expect too much of myself, and always end up failing to live up to who and what I think I should be. I love and care deeply for others, but not always for myself. I know I’ve driven people away because of this, and it pains me greatly when this has happened. I don’t know what to do about this problem. I want to love myself. I want to always be proud of myself, and be okay with making mistakes some times. I want to be able to learn from them and not repeat them, but I find this is difficult for me as well.
Growing up, there were many instances in which I feel I was betrayed by people whom I thought were my friends. I remember the first day of second grade at Potreo Heights Elementary School, being the new kid. I remember at recess, finding a group of kids who seemed like they were having fun, and asked if I could play with them, and they said yes. The game became “run away from Aaron”. I’ve never been a good runner, and I was stupid enough to chase them, and I was miserable on my first day of school. And until I met my friend Steven Magos, that would be the game played at recess and lunchtime for much of my time at Potreo Heights.
When I started Middle School at Macy, kids older than me, who didn’t even know me, took an immediate disliking to me. I don’t know what ever happened to Steven after seeing him a couple times after leaving Macy, but I’ll always be grateful to him for saving me from a bunch of assholes who wanted to beat me up as I got off the bus, because they didn’t like the way my head was shaped.
Moving to Whittier and repeating 4th grade at Mill Elementary School came with its own set of troubles. Once again, the kids wanted to play “run away from Aaron”, and I was stupid enough to play with them. And even the two guys who I hung out with the most, Gabriel and Devon, would talk and make fun of me behind my back.
Problems continued into Middle School and even into High School, and it wasn’t until part of the way of my Sophomore year that I found a group of friends who finally accepted me. But even then, I had a few problems with them before I became a true member of the group. After all, I was the new kid (once again) among a group of guys who had known each other before High School.
In the past, I would fault others for how they treated me, never considering my own actions. I’ve shifted in my thinking, and acknowledge that I must be part of the problem. There are times when I know what I’ve done wrong, and in certain cases, I’ve felt okay about it, or felt I was justified. There have been other times when people have taken an inexplicable disliking toward me. I suppose all I’ve ever really wanted was to be liked by people. But at the same time, I know that liking myself should be more important. I hope that some day, I always like myself, rather than just some times.
In projecting my self-loathing, I’ve angered a friend, someone whom I consider to be close, and whom I care about very much. I feel like “love” is a word used very frivolously nowadays, but If there was a word for something close to it, thats what I’d use to describe my feelings for her. She is my favorite person to talk to, and is one of the few people, if not the only person, who can bring me out of a slump, or who can make me feel better when I’m feeling angry, sad or lonely. I imagine all of this to be a burden on her, and one she did not ask for. She is upset, I think, because I’ve questioned her perception of me, which is might be much more positive than the one I have of myself. Really, I’m just afraid of losing her not because she hates me, but because most of the time, I hate myself.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
I’m so sorry for questioning you in this way.